I wish I could put into words what
being a parent means; there are a thousand other bloggers out there every day
trying to capture the essence of being a mummy or daddy. You only have to look
at the million variations on insta names; mum/dad of boys/girls/daughters/sons,
mums of 1,2 7, 8, twins, to get an idea of all the parents out there winging
it, bossing it, drowning in it, being overwhelmed and underwhelmed.
I don't think I have ever been so
knocked for six as when my first son Ted was born. I had a good pregnancy,
barring SPD which was bad but bearable, an absolutely horrific labour and
delivery and an even worse recovery. The tears were endless, when Ted was a few
weeks old I said to
My husband what on earth have we done,
we've ruined our lives. I don't want to say I had postnatal depression because
having listened to and reading other people's accounts of suffering from I
don't believe I did. I believe I was absolutely knocked off my feet with the
enormity this baby's arrival and the realisation that life would never being
the same again. (Also, my lady parts were in absolute agony, my nipples were
two scabs and I couldn't sit down).
But I did question whether my life had
been ruined. I always said from a young age I didn't want children, I'm not
entirely sure why. When I was 12 my older brother had his first child then went
on to have 5 in 5 years and my other brother had 2, I spent most of my teenage
years surrounded by babies and toddlers, I think this is what prompted me to
start saying I didn't want kids and I just kept on saying it.
Of course, I hadn’t ruined my life and
things with Ted settled, I fell in love with him and being a mum, so much so I
was pregnant again by the time he was 15 weeks old. It was like a switch had
flipped and I went from an absolutely overwhelming fear and desperation to an
overwhelming being so happy I might burst. Looking back these extremes of
emotions probably tied in with getting more sleep, however I have never
experienced such a roller coaster and such overwhelming emotions since becoming
a parent.
Looking back before the children, I
spouted to everyone we had a great life without kids and on paper we did. Great
holidays, nice cars, nights out, weekends away. But I can see now the shine of
that had begun to wear off. Our nights out were getting drunker and drunker,
getting drunk was more frequent, as if we were always chasing that good time.
Looking back now I recognise that I was actually a bit unhappy, I don't think I
knew it then but now I thank my lucky stars I fell pregnant when I did because
I'm glad I didn't go further down that road.
It is exhausting being a parent, for me
the hardest is the wild swinging from extremes, you can go from morning tears
because no one will get dressed, you can't get a shower and it's taken you two
hours to get downstairs, tears because your 10 month old has head butted you in
the face, tears because you feel you can't possibly go on, to night time tears
because you love your children so much you might die. It is an absolute
physical and mental rollercoaster. But with the lows come the
soaring highs when you are absolutely delighted by your children and can’t
believe they are yours.
It’s not easy becoming a parent and
takes people different lengths of time finding their own ways of dealing with the realities of parenthood. Nights out are
nice, going out and getting smashed used to be my fave but it isn't the answer
or it certainly wasn't for me. Gaining the title of mummy and being responsible
for these two little boys, has given me all the answers I didn't know I was
looking for.
And now I wait nervously for baby
number 3 to join the crew in 20 weeks time.
I feel all those old feelings that I had with Ted bubbling away under
the surface, the fear of the unknown, what will this baby be like? How will I
manage? Will I be able to look after it? Will it upset our happy family? Don’t
even get me started on the will it be a boy or a girl debate.
But any fears are outweighed by a huge
sense of excitement to meet this new baby who, like its brothers before will
never know how much happiness it will bring to us. Thank you to our bambinos
for showing us what life is really about and for showing us what we didn’t know
we were missing.
Written by @threeunder_3
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