It's nearly time! Packing the hospital bag ready for birth!

So my hospital bag has been packed for some time but I’ve kept adding to it until the last week! So now I think we are fully good to go if anything happens – which is good considering there’s only 10 days until my actual due date! EEEEP!

So as a first time mother, I didn’t have a clue what I would need or wouldn’t and where to even begin with packing bags for baby and I, so after lots of research, chatting with friends who have kids and also some of my lovely NCT ladies who have had their babies I thought I would share with you my lists. Who knows I may not use some of it and I’ll be sure to blog at a later date to let you know what was of use and what wasn’t!

Confessions of a first time mama – the truth about pregnancy part 2

So it’s been a good few weeks since I last blogged – this pregnancy lark makes you quite tired (!) and everything has been put on the back burner other than the basics of work, sleep, eating and seeing a few people now and again!

So I’ve pulled out 4 main topics that sum up the last few months for me that the books and fancy pants blogs of the beautiful don’t tell you – I’m sure there is plenty more I will learn over the coming weeks & I look forward to sharing that in due course!

Diet & Fitness

So I’m now 33 weeks pregnant, feeling like a whale and the biscuit consumption hasn’t slowed at all – God I love a biscuit… I did have the pre conceived view that I would be some healthy earth mother who would eat healthy nourishing foods and go swimming three times a week whilst being all calm and lovely and that… oh how I laugh now at how little I knew about just how ruddy knackered I would be!

Don’t get me wrong, I do go to Yoga weekly and do a good couple of miles walking every day (so my fitness watch thingy tells me) and I eat pretty healthily (other than the biscuits), but the thrashing about like Shamu in the local pool hasn’t happened for a good couple of months – and do you know what I don’t even feel guilty or worried about it.

I went, I thrashed, I kept up a good pace (I mean I even sweated in the pool – what is that about?), but right now I don’t have the energy to stand and put make up on in the mornings, let alone try and wrangle myself into a swimming costume and get myself to the baths! So I’m saving myself the guilt and looking forward to going again when I feel well and able.

I think as Mum’s to be and as Mum’s, we can be so overtly critical of ourselves and the standards we “should” be obtaining that we can lose sight of the good things we are actually doing – and right now I am doing a pretty good job of growing an actual human life! I eat a balanced diet of home cooked food with snacks every day, I don’t smoke or drink and I haven’t yet turned into a lazy sloth like beast – yes I have a ridiculous sweet tooth that didn’t exist before pregnancy, but as I’m not replacing meals with Maryland cookies I don’t think I need to be worrying just yet!

Hormones & Crying

Well they really don’t tell you about this do they?! I know I mentioned it in Part 1, but jeez it just gets better ladies! The first 6 month tears have nothing on the bad boys that are about to arrive – be prepared! I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my entire life – sometimes its full blown sobbing, most days it’s snivvly weeping and genuinely I would say 98% , let’s be honest here, 99.9% of the time it is over nothing in particular at all.

My other half has the patience of an absolute saint right now, how he copes with my ridiculousness I genuinely don’t know.

What I do know is I have a keeper right here!

So far, here’s a list of things I have cried over (that I can remember):

-      Adverts

-      TV programmes (not normal sad ones, I mean crying over bloody       MasterChef)

-      Not being able to take my trousers off without help

-      Ditto to socks

-      Having to write a food shopping list (it felt stressful)

-      Deciding what to eat (too much choice/not enough choice)

-      Being hungry

-      Travelling (I hate trains)

-      People being nice to me

-      People being mean to me

-      People commenting on my pregnancy/bump

-      Dropping food on the floor that I can’t reach to pick up

-      Because I hadn’t started cooking yet (yip totally ridiculous)

-      Not being able to get comfortable in bed

-      Not being able to walk quick enough (the only person annoyed at      my pace was me)

And my most stupid:

-      Because I couldn’t climb a mountain or do a hill climb and 7        mile walk.

The last one is genuinely stupid – we were on a family holiday in Scotland and my other half had taken the two older kids (my lovely step-kids) for a climb and then a walk in the driving rain and wind.

I on the other hand sat on my own in a coffee shop with unlimited decaf tea, biscuits, a comfy sofa and my kindle for company – sounds like heaven right? And do you know what, it was and I’m sure I will look back when baby arrives and long for a few hours like that. 

But right there and then I wanted to be up the pigging mountain getting wet and freezing more than anything!

Hormones are a weird thing, I knew I couldn’t do it and that’s what made me have a little self-absorbed cry – that sense of not being able to do the things you’ve always been able to is incredibly frustrating, so strap yourselves in ladies, it only gets worse! Which brings me on to my next key point:

The power of rest

Of course everyone knows you get bigger during pregnancy, that is clear to even the most unaware. What I didn’t realise I just how much my size would hinder me. Again nothing I’ve read has alluded to this at all other than thinking I might struggle putting my socks on or bending over right at the end of pregnancy.

What I didn’t think would be a challenge would be walking, standing, even being sat at times has made me breathless – that was a bloody shock I tell you!

It doesn’t help that I am a stubborn independent old goat, and I loathe asking for help if I am able to do something myself. Laziness is one of my most disliked traits, so not being able to do things, having to ask others to do them for me and then think people might see me as lazy has driven me crazy! (Just to add, nobody has called me lazy, if anything I infuriate most friends and family with my constant running around and knackering myself out, but it has come to the point where I cannot do this anymore)

For the past couple of months, I have had to be super strict with myself and force myself to rest. I even implemented Sunday rest days for a few weeks after hectic work weeks.

This has been like actual torture for me… I’ve had to give the other half strict orders to make sure I don’t do anything because I know how crap I am at resting up, but it has done me the world of good and made sure I haven’t’ crippled my hips and back entirely.

This bank holiday weekend in fact, I have spent a good day and a half sat/lying down after overdoing it massively on Saturday – I walked a good 7.5 miles over the course of a day and I wore 5” heels for some of it!

The first half a day I coped quite well snuggled up in bed, today however has been a different story and I’ve been trying my hardest to get involved and crack on - much to even my own annoyance.

What I would say is, get to know your own body during pregnancy, no one will give you a medal for continuing to do everything you did and everyone will understand if you speak up when you can’t do it anymore. It’s tough if you’re used to being in control, but is needed and we all need to man up an accept it.

Finally, let’s talk about Size & Bump.

According to my midwife my bump is growing perfectly, I am on track in terms of size and all is well. However, my own perception of my bump can be different – I think it has a bit of a weird shape (not that anyone else can see what I mean) and I struggle with certain maternity clothes because of how I’m carrying – over the bump jeans look dreadful on me and I feel like they are cutting me in half constantly – my bump is quite high.

It also doesn’t help when people feel the need to comment on the size of you, your bump and generally give you “feedback” that is neither asked for nor wanted! This will happen, be prepared to either have rage or cry – both are perfectly acceptable in this situation!

I have found clothes that fit me well after many online ordering and trying on sessions (Topshop under bump jeans and H&M tops have been a proper God send) and they certainly make me feel better about myself. Some tops however have now got to the point where my belly is beginning to hang out of the bottom like Onslow from Keeping up Appearances (showing my age now) so I have had to buy more bits as my pregnancy has progressed! Nobody needs to see this as a look!

My big tip on clothing would be, not to buy too much stuff in your second trimester, as whilst it will fit you lovely at that point, as you move in to your third trimester, your weight will distribute to other areas in addition to your bump so they won’t necessarily fit you the same. As an example, I feel like my back now looks like sausages in anything that is too tight, so I bought tops a size up to make me feel more comfortable.

I also bought THE most amazing dress from ASOS to wear to a christening which had an actual cape attached to it, so it covered said back issues and I felt like a super hero – winning!! 

Also don’t buy too many baggy clothes – the bigger you get the bigger you will look side on – think Princess Diana and her smocks in the 80’s!

What I would say is that a lot of people will tell you not to buy too much as you’re only pregnant for 9 months. I say stuff that – buy whatever you need to buy to feel comfortable and lovely – you are going through so much, if buying 5 extra tops makes you smile a little more and feel a bit more like you then do it! There are plenty of good places out there that aren’t too expensive and there are loads of good re-sale sites too!

I think that pretty much covers the last couple of months. We have completed the NCT classes, and are now in full swing sorting the nursery out and getting the hospital bags packed and ready and I have less than 4 weeks left before I finish work – it’s all suddenly getting very very real! EEEK!

Written by Rhi from @rhifreshing_ 

Before I knew what, my life was missing

I wish I could put into words what being a parent means; there are a thousand other bloggers out there every day trying to capture the essence of being a mummy or daddy. You only have to look at the million variations on insta names; mum/dad of boys/girls/daughters/sons, mums of 1,2 7, 8, twins, to get an idea of all the parents out there winging it, bossing it, drowning in it, being overwhelmed and underwhelmed. 

I don't think I have ever been so knocked for six as when my first son Ted was born. I had a good pregnancy, barring SPD which was bad but bearable, an absolutely horrific labour and delivery and an even worse recovery. The tears were endless, when Ted was a few weeks old I said to

My husband what on earth have we done, we've ruined our lives. I don't want to say I had postnatal depression because having listened to and reading other people's accounts of suffering from I don't believe I did. I believe I was absolutely knocked off my feet with the enormity this baby's arrival and the realisation that life would never being the same again. (Also, my lady parts were in absolute agony, my nipples were two scabs and I couldn't sit down).

But I did question whether my life had been ruined. I always said from a young age I didn't want children, I'm not entirely sure why. When I was 12 my older brother had his first child then went on to have 5 in 5 years and my other brother had 2, I spent most of my teenage years surrounded by babies and toddlers, I think this is what prompted me to start saying I didn't want kids and I just kept on saying it.

Of course, I hadn’t ruined my life and things with Ted settled, I fell in love with him and being a mum, so much so I was pregnant again by the time he was 15 weeks old. It was like a switch had flipped and I went from an absolutely overwhelming fear and desperation to an overwhelming being so happy I might burst. Looking back these extremes of emotions probably tied in with getting more sleep, however I have never experienced such a roller coaster and such overwhelming emotions since becoming a parent.

Looking back before the children, I spouted to everyone we had a great life without kids and on paper we did. Great holidays, nice cars, nights out, weekends away. But I can see now the shine of that had begun to wear off. Our nights out were getting drunker and drunker, getting drunk was more frequent, as if we were always chasing that good time. Looking back now I recognise that I was actually a bit unhappy, I don't think I knew it then but now I thank my lucky stars I fell pregnant when I did because I'm glad I didn't go further down that road. 

It is exhausting being a parent, for me the hardest is the wild swinging from extremes, you can go from morning tears because no one will get dressed, you can't get a shower and it's taken you two hours to get downstairs, tears because your 10 month old has head butted you in the face, tears because you feel you can't possibly go on, to night time tears because you love your children so much you might die. It is an absolute physical and mental rollercoaster.  But with the lows come the soaring highs when you are absolutely delighted by your children and can’t believe they are yours.

It’s not easy becoming a parent and takes people different lengths of time finding their own ways of dealing with the realities of parenthood. Nights out are nice, going out and getting smashed used to be my fave but it isn't the answer or it certainly wasn't for me. Gaining the title of mummy and being responsible for these two little boys, has given me all the answers I didn't know I was looking for.

And now I wait nervously for baby number 3 to join the crew in 20 weeks time.  I feel all those old feelings that I had with Ted bubbling away under the surface, the fear of the unknown, what will this baby be like? How will I manage? Will I be able to look after it? Will it upset our happy family? Don’t even get me started on the will it be a boy or a girl debate.

But any fears are outweighed by a huge sense of excitement to meet this new baby who, like its brothers before will never know how much happiness it will bring to us. Thank you to our bambinos for showing us what life is really about and for showing us what we didn’t know we were missing.

Written by @threeunder_3

Confessions of a first time mama – the truth about pregnancy. Part 1

Now before I get started, I don't think I'm any kind of pregnancy guru at all – I am a first time mother to be and I wanted to log a true account based on my experiences and tell the truth that I haven't read in any blogs/apps/books. I mean, they are full of lovely happy shiny stories rather than the day to day truth I and many others have experienced.

I am abso-ruddy-lutely loving being pregnant, proper loving it, but it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows. Anyone who says it is, is a liar or completely delusional (in my opinion). 

Being pregnant has definitely given me a new outlook on life - not that I've become some earth mother organic loving hippy lady (far from it - I swear too much, am brutally honest to my own detriment and eat FAR too many biscuits).

It has however changed my perspective now I am not the only one I have to look after and probably made me more accepting and appreciative of how ruddy amazing we women are! I’ve also become acutely aware of how lonely some women can feel during pregnancy and maternity leave, so I am now more than ever reaching out to others to connect and share stories and experience and this is just one way of me being able to do that. I definitely feel part of the “mum tribe”.

So in no particular order, here goes a quick rundown of some home truths I have found in my first and second trimesters:

Sickness

We only found out we were expecting our little rainbow at 8 weeks (I thought I had just got chubby and tried to diet the poor bean away  - I even joined Slimming world!) and as soon as the test confirmed it, my God the sickness arrived and didn't leave for a good 6 weeks. And it wasn't only morning sickness either - they lie about that - I suffered a cross between nausea and sickness all the live long day and all through the night. I couldn't attribute it to any one thing and having to hide my need to barf constantly (as we didn't want to announce until our 12 week scan) was ruddy difficult! 

The only thing I found that helped me through the day was to eat little and often - this was not an easy task for someone as greedy as me. My general approach to food is to eat until I feel properly full so having to "nibble" took some getting used to. 

Appetite

In between greeting the porcelain throne on a regular basis, I found I had the hunger of a thousand men - this did not help the "eat little and often" approach and I often found I was sick straight after a "feed". This did not stop me from doing the same again and again - if I needed to eat, I ate and then if I needed to be sick, I was sick - simples - this was the only way I could cope! I’m not saying it was fun or nice for me or anyone around me but it got me through.

Eventually the dreaded sickness and ravenous hunger abated a touch and I thought "WOOHOO here is the lovely part, the part where you glow and people say nice things to you about you glowing and growing life" - I think I was a tad too eager to believe the whole "Hollywood" version of pregnancy - and there's me thinking I was a realist... alas I have got distracted.

Tiredness

No one tells you about this, not properly and truthfully anyway. The apps and books mentioned fatigue like you'll be a bit sleepy and I believed them like it meant I would be a bit tired like after a long day/week. 

What they fail to mention is you can feel consistently hungover  - the kind of exhausted paranoid, emotional hangover tiredness you get after an amazingly long and fun night out - and you will need to nap for a good two hours a day, before you need your 8-10 hours a night. You will feel like a shell of a person and you will look worse.  The "fatigue" will make you want to cry regularly (this is a billy bonus top up to the hormones - yay). My advice is just sleep when you can - even though your baby is anywhere between the size of an apple seed and a raspberry, your body is completely and utterly changing to grow new life, so don't underestimate how much this teeny tiny being now owns you. This doesn’t go away either – or hasn’t for me, when I hit 23 weeks I was still napping for a couple of hours when I needed it.

Telling people

Once I was past the 12 weeks, I felt all excited that I could tell people that my belly wasn't a pre Winter hibernation layer but an actual baby! The weird thing is, is that while I told friends and family, we did the announcement on fb with a cute pic,(yes it’s cliché but I was chuffed and we have a large amount of family and friends all over)  it's a weird thing how you tell other people - the people you work with but don't see outside of work. How do you tell them without coming across as smug but also being wary of what they could be going through/have gone through previously? As someone who has suffered a MMC, I am probably overly aware of others feelings here.

The important thing is that if you feel like you are tired in work or you can't do the extra hours you always have done because of your pregnancy symptoms then just be honest. Most people are understanding and will you give you some slack! I know a few pregnant people who don’t want to seem like they are taking the mick but seriously people, you are growing life here and its hard work!

Travelling

If you do go on public transport, get yourself a TFL baby on board badge - they are magic. Now a tip here - if you can't pick one up in a major station like Paddington/Kings Cross etc. don't bother filling in the form online if you live outside London, they won't send you one - tweet them and they will.

There are plenty of numpties who will ignore the sweaty, tearful, knackered preggo lady even when you are wearing the magic badge and continue to sit down/push past you regardless of the fact you are growing an actual human - but most people will be kind and you will be grateful - take the seat even if you are only just 12 weeks and proudly wearing a badge for the first time - you need to rest whenever you can!

Boobies

I'll keep this short and sweet -  these will grow massively. They will also hurt A LOT. Invest in some good non underwired bras as soon as you can, you will not regret it. And get measured - you'll be surprised how much your hoo ha's have grown. 

Maternity wear and getting bigger

The most important thing to remember is that every single lady and every single bump is different. You will not grow in the same way or to the same shape as anyone else, no matter if you were a similar build before or no matter how much you had an idea of what you would look like - your body will do what it needs to do for baby!

I started wearing maternity jeans from 9 weeks - my belly would not fit comfortably into my size 10's anymore and I found a lot of my more structured work tops/blouses were becoming tight and uncomfortable around my tata's. 

I'll be really honest here - I really struggled with my changing shape and I am still getting used to it now at 23 weeks. This might sound daft or even vain to some of you but I felt like I had lost or at least was losing my identity. How I dress and the image I portray is important to me as I want how I look to be an external display of who I am. Not that I am a snazzy dresser at all, but my wardrobe has been picked to suit me for all occasions and it has taken me a while to get to this point. Not being able to fit into clothes that matched that was tough.

I will do a separate post on maternity clothes and what I have found works/doesn't work - but the main thing here is - everyone has an opinion on how you should dress, whether you should invest in maternity clothes or not and whether they are worth the spend. My view is, find what works for you. I find non maternity clothes make me look and feel bigger all over, whereas maternity clothing fits my bump, give it a nice shape and are also ruddy comfortable – those in the fashion industry should seriously consider making all jeans with elasticated waists trendy.

Pregnancy Yoga

I started going to this based on the advice of one of my Mum friends who did it when she was expecting and it was better than I could ever imagine! I joke to my other half that I spend two hours a week napping, breathing and eating biscuits. Now while all three of those things do happen, the class I go to has helped me meet mums to be in my area (where I don’t know anyone), helped ease my back pain and given me some good tips in preparation for the birth. I would definitely recommend it even for the two hours of “me time” it gives me a week to zone out of everything and anything that is going on in my life.

Peeing

This will happen a lot, all the time, no matter how much you drink or when you last went. Get used to it.

Your belly

Up to 16/18 weeks as a first time mama, I experienced bloat. This is what your body does naturally, it will go down, but you will look bigger than your weeks and it will then go down and you will have this weird "do I even look pregnant or fat?" feeling. 

Dear people who are not pregnant, please DO NOT comment on this. We know you mean well, but as a pregnant lady being told you look "big" for your weeks, you look "small" or that your bump is getting "lovely and big" are not compliments - they immediately make you paranoid that you are getting it wrong or you are not doing it "right". Pregnant ladies - unless you are downing a bottle of voddie and smoking 40 a day you are doing the best job you can be - your bump is not a sign of anything and you look beautiful  - FACT . Unless your midwife is concerned you have nothing to worry about.  

Belly Touching

This has happened to me unexpectedly a few times now. I wasn't sure how I felt about it at first particularly when I felt like my "bump" was just wobbly and full of biscuits! I don't mind it so much right now but if you don't like it, tell people! You wouldn't just randomly touch a person's belly and pregnancy shouldn't change that - but be prepared for it - it will happen!

Hormones

I thought I would save the best until last... the lovely beautiful being you are creating (I regularly remind myself I am growing an actual life!) will completely and utterly mess with your body and hormones. You may have the skin of a pubescent 13 year old or you may have a glow like Beyoncé post photoshop. Your hair may be luscious and healthy or it may be lank and greasy like Filch from Harry Potter. One thing that is true is that there will be times where you will randomly lose your shit over nothing - this is completely irrational and again completely normal. You will also cry a lot, sometimes you will cry because you lost your shit and will feel like a terrible person. This morning I nearly cried because putting socks on was hard... honestly it is a joy!

I think my favourite moment so far was when I cried because the plates were in the dishwasher and I was hungry - I could not possibly see past the fact I could hand wash them to use... yup completely ridiculous and I can laugh about it now, but right then it felt like my world was crumbling around me!

I can now pretty much track when my hormones are playing up and set the warning lights to my other half/family so at least we all know where we stand. I have to remind myself I am not in charge of these outbursts so not to give myself too hard a time!

So there we have it, part 1 of my views on pregnancy so far! I'd love to get your additions/comments and stories and I'm sure I will be posting part 2 very soon

Written by Rhi from @Rhifreshing_

So I am a Mum To Be...

So I am a mum to be...

Well sort of, hopefully soon anyway. I ventured into the land of baby making about two months ago and boy does it seem like longer than that! Now I tried the cool, calm, collected approach for about one whole week, probably less but whose counting... oh wait, that's right, I am because of this whole ovulation thing! This is what I am talking about. I didn't realise the science behind ovulation. I just thought I had to carry on like I had always done so, minus birth control. Your probably reading this laughing out loud, yes I was quite naive in that aspect. I am twenty three which is quite young considering majority of my friends haven't even entered any sort of realm relating to family life or pregnancy. However, my partner has a six year old so I was chucked straight in there. Plus being a preschool teacher definitely helps. 

So let's get back to this whole trying to get pregnant thing. I decided after the first month to create an Instagram account and blog in order to reach out to those around me who were experiencing or have experienced what I am going through right now. It has served as an outlet in a way, as at that time no one knew we were trying; now only a few close friends do. A lovely lady on instagram suggested I try an ovulation kit. Seriously best woman ever, she is my ovulation fairy godmother! It has really helped me understand my body and I have realised that my body ovulates  earlier than my ovulation calendar on my phone suggested. (dumb ass app, even though I know every one ovulates at different times, I still blame the app) I have really been listening to my body these last few weeks and noticing signs that I had not even paid attention to before. Things such as cramping, my mood and of course, the one we all love, vaginal discharge. If you didn't know already, vaginal discharge is a massive indicator of a few different things including ovulation. If your one of those people who doesn't openly talk about that sort of stuff (clearly not me as I'm yapping on about my own vaginal discharge to a bunch of people I don't even know) you better get used to it, it's only going to get worse! 

 What I learned from using the ovulation test is that it is super helpful and enables you to identify the start, and ending of ovulation aka "your fertile window". However, I am going to give you warning now. It is all sunshine and rainbows when you pin point this magical window, (I was fucking stoked and had a mini party with myself in the bathroom waving the bloody urine stick around whilst doing amazing dance moves) however you still need to remember to not treat your partner as if he is a sperm donor. Yes of course you should have sex in the next day or two, but trust me ladies, I tried jumping on him after he knew I'd been in the bathroom and taken that test. He just laughed at me. Although he wants to know when I ovulate and we want to get pregnant, it is something that needs to happen on its own. And trust me it will. 

I've decided to take a deep breath in and out, relax and remember to enjoy the right now. I am still thinking about my future as is my partner, if you see my Instagram I love looking at nursery designs and bubba clothes. (Judge me all you want, I can't help myself) But despite all that, it has made things a lot more natural again rather than just having sex to make a baby, which in reality is just not that sexy. So enjoy your pre-baby time with your partner and have fun with it. You won't have alone time as soon as that baby comes along. That's the best advice I can give thus far into my journey which I am still at the beginning of. I've already face planted once or twice, but I am moving in the right direction with my partner and that's all that really matters in the end. Nature will run its course. I just hope nature is running rather than slow jogging, which is how it feels each month! Am I right? Positive vibes to you... and your next pregnancy test. 

If you would like to write for Bad Mum 2B please do get in contact!

The Darker Side of Pregnancy

When you think of pregnancy, what do you think of? A glowing woman, rubbing her belly and radiating maternal warmth? I guess to an extent, I did too. Until my second pregnancy when I experienced first-hand the darker side of pregnancy. It isn’t the norm to discuss, how actually you are not enjoying a pregnancy. 

Of course, I am grateful and amazed that I have been able to conceive and grow two babies. This is a luxury not all women are able to do.  My first son took us 10 months to conceive and other than some backache I had a wonderful pregnancy. No problems, barely any sickness and I carried him until he arrived 11 days early at 38+3 weeks’ gestation. 3 years on, we decide to add to our family of three. I fell pregnant very quickly within two months and was excited to start my second pregnancy journey. Little did I know how quickly my excitement would vanish.

I always knew there would be risks of getting pregnant after my first son. Elijah was born with a congenital heart defect that required surgery. I knew beforehand after speaking to professionals that I would be deemed as high risk and be monitored closely. Was I selfish in becoming pregnant again if there was a risk of having another baby with CHD? Perhaps, but isn’t there a risk to everything we do? I thought my pregnancy would turn out as it did with Elijah, with a few more appointments. I was excited to be showered with back rubs, cake and Elijah bonding with my ever growing bump excited to meet his brother or sister. I didn’t think I would struggle physically and mentally as I have in just a few short months.

The excitement you feel when you get those two lines on a stick, the overwhelming glee that you want to yell from the roof tops, or to every person you pass in the street is something that you do not experience many times in your life. Then something else creeps in quickly, and takes over. No matter how many times you have done this before, the anxiety. The sheer worry of being responsible for carrying and growing a healthy baby to term, with no complications and yet having no control over what will happen or is happening inside you is terrifying. Potentially, the most scared I have ever been being pregnant and I have thought something may be wrong. This does intensify after you had a baby where something did go wrong. When you tell others, you may be trying for a baby there is no warning of the impending dread and horrendous questions that will begin to pop into your head (normally late at night) that you begin to Google and frankly scare yourself even more. Probably, as the human population may take a nose dive, but I do think it is something that does need to be spoken about. It isn’t all baby showers and cupcakes.

Then you enter the worrisome 12 weeks, the first trimester. Where you are told again and again this is the most likely time something will go wrong. You have those 12 weeks in your head as a target, but you still don’t breathe a sigh of relief when you reach them. It carries on to the next trimester, and the next. Second time round, I have tried to be more conformable with certain things, and have tried not to be hung up on too much. Do I still think the worse? Yes. Do I still, Google everything and anything that is slightly different or mass text all my Mum friends? I would like to apologise to them all for the horrendous brown discharge Whats App conversation. 

But then something happened, that I wasn’t expecting….. every single thing about my pregnancy was the opposite of my first and I ended up more of an anxious mess than the first!

Being a high-risk pregnancy does come with its own worries. I was convinced the baby would have something wrong with it. I tear myself up every time we have a hospital appointment or scan. I was told I couldn’t have the birth I wanted. Deep down even though everything seems well, and we are nearing the 5 month mark I still think history may repeat itself. No one talks a lot about mental illness during pregnancy. Post Partem depression information is given to you before you give birth, and in the weeks that follow but what about in the here and now? 

I came off my anti- depressants a good couple of months before we conceived and after kicking my PTSD in the arse I was the healthiest I had been in years. But slowly and surely, some reoccurring feelings and anxieties have crept it this is something I did not experience with my first pregnancy. It was all new, decorating the nursery and impending excitement about our first child. Anxiety, depression all coupled with more hormones than a Sex And The City sequel make for a rollercoaster of a ride. The whole 9 months aren’t all fun and games and sometimes we will face some of the lowest times of our lives. There have been times in this pregnancy that although I have been hesitant to admit, I am not enjoying it. It is probably not socially acceptable to put it out there, and I may seem ungrateful or inconsiderate but I believe it is something that should be spoken about, so those who may feel the same do not suffer in silence.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was feeling so ill. I was sick, and when I wasn’t being sick in a bush, kitchen sink or toilet at 10pm at night I felt sick the rest of the time. I didn’t want anything to eat, but not eating made it worse. Everything made me gag, which ultimately would then lead to me being sick. I slowly began to stomach plain Pringles and Diet Pepsi. Going on a bus, car or even walking would make me gag! I didn’t eat an actual meal for nearly two months. I was slightly worried the baby may come out with a bottle of Pepsi in their hands. Then I was tired, so tired I was falling asleep three times a day tired. 

Elijah knew something was up, and left me to it and entertained himself, (cue mum guilt).  I began to show early on, we found out a little further down the line this was due to the stomach muscles never really going together after Elijah. This caused a deviation of my stomach which made my bump protrude out more. This also put a lot of pressure on my back, which I have to now have physio on. These I know are such small problems, and thankfully non-life threatening ones too. I should be thankful, and I am but at times these are the small problems that occur on a day to day basis that can grind you down. Of course, I would rather be going through these, than the baby being ill. My lowest point was at Christmas, not being able to eat any of my dinner, being so tired I couldn’t play with Elijah and throwing up for days. I struggled, and I have to say I did feel very dark then especially knowing I was nowhere near the end of this pregnancy. It is also hard to see that Elijah at times has had to take a back seat. I am stupidly lucky for the fact I have a kind and thoughtful little boy who understands if I feel sick or need a rest. I think being a soon to be mother of two this is just something else to add to the pile, EXTREME MUM GUILT.

It should be a time you relish, and I do most of the time. I love waking up I the night amongst my 10 pillows (no exaggeration) and feeling the baby kick. I have an immense sense of pride when I see them on a scan and proudly how off my bump and scan pictures.

However, I do believe this pregnancy will likely be my last. When we planned to get pregnant again I did not think that I would struggle. The thing is that I know it could be so much worse, and a lot of ladies do have such a harder time. I cannot always dwell or process how I am really feeling with a small tear away two year old, which may be a good thing in a way. In terms of a customer reviews; first pregnancy, 5 stars, loved, it would recommend it to anyone. Second pregnancy, more of a 3.5 and not sure I would go back! It has been more of a love it or hate it relationship. You know like Marmite. It has been hard physically and mentally and I am so excited to welcome the new addition to our family, I really am. This time round however, it really has been the darker side of pregnancy. It just goes to show how different you can feel second time round.

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Mum 2B again!

Hello and welcome to Bad Mum 2B! 

This new addition to Bad Mum is for Mum's 2B, women trying to conceive, women having troubles with pregnancy, women having their 10th baby or women just wanting real and honest advice on what you can expect coming up with all the bits they don't tell you when you are pregnant! 

Our first post is from Kylie and how she is going to become a Mother of SEVEN babies!! Makes me want to lay down just thinking about it! 

This post nearly made me cry. It is so honest, real and thank you for sharing this with everyone. 

Mum 2B AGAIN!

June 2017 is to be the year that I become a mum again. A mum of 7. 

Who plans to have that many kids?... not me. After my first two I never dreamed I'd have any more, didn't want to have anymore. 

So I have just turned 30 and I like to think I'm a young 30. I certainly do not feel as old as I am. 

My tribe consists of my 8 year old boy Charlie and girl Robyn who is 6 going on 16, honestly (dreading her actual teenage years). My first two babies were form a previous relationship. Their dad and I have a great friendship and it works for us. 

4 years after Robyn I had another girl, Lila-Rose age 2 with my partner Ben. We then went on to have boy/girl twins 17 months later and have the oh so sweet Brandon and Hallie who are now 10months old. 

We were all squished in a 2 bed flat and desperately needed to move. September just gone, we did, we moved to a 4 bed house. How lovely it is to have all that space for the children..and a garden. 

Not long after moving I felt very faint and very sick for a moment and knew I was pregnant.  I did a test and cried at the result.  I was already mum to 5 and had a Jam packed life of washing and cleaning and keeping everyone.  How could I have more children?

My head told me not to continue with the pregnancy, the twins would be 1 in April and the new baby would be due in June. It's madness, right?

I didn't think too much, I knew what I had to do. I went straight to the gp and asked for a referral for a termination. (Great first appt with a new doc, in a new town. I felt ashamed)

So the referral came through, the appointment was made and I went for the consultation. I was thinking a thousand thoughts, what if it's twins again, what if the baby's healthy, what if, what if????

At the consultation you have to have an ultrasound scan to determine how many weeks pregnant you are so the best type of medical advice can be given regarding the type of termination you should have.

I was nervous, it was a man carrying out the scan which is quite uncommon to be fair. He was great though did what he had to. That being a transnvaginal scan. 

Oh a day for firsts, I'd never had  a man scan me, never had a transvaginal scan either. Lovely.

As soon  as he was looking at the screen my partner Ben and I looked at one another and then said to the man it's twins isn't it?

Yes he said, and you appear to be approx 5 weeks pregnant. Would you like to see he asked?(Bearing in mind the reason I'm there, I found it all really uncomfortable). Yes we said, and there we saw two blobs on the screen, two more babies growing inside me.

We were asked to sit in the waiting room to wait for the paperwork. There we sat, brains working overtime, mums to be all around swooning over their pregnancy joy. Me in tears... what do I do?

Ben was pretty quiet throughout the whole saga since finding out we were expecting again. Then he said, I think we need a bigger car. I laughed and said more like an a-Team van. We passed the time looking at some large vehicles on the Internet and giggling away. How funny to have that many children, us of all people.

We got the paperwork and returned to the clinic desk. I handed it to the lady and said do I need to stay for the chat with the nurse as I'm pretty sure I've changed my mind and will continue with the pregnancy. I didn't, so we left and off we went home.

A couple weeks passed and not much was said about it all, it was too early to tell people and we were still unpacking in our new home and my 30th and Christmas were fast approaching. So much other stuff to think about.

In my own mind I couldn't get my head around how I would cope. I never sat down as it was, always on the go. We were in a good routine with the children but I couldn't see where I would fit in any more children.

I was having awful sickness and my head got the better of me. I told my mum and she said 'oh Kylie, it will be too much'. 'I can't believe it's twins again though'.

Really helpful mother, thanks a bunch. I didn't talk to anyone else I decided alone that I had to be realistic and 7 was too many. I still had my referral papers so I went back to the hospital clinic and had the consultation.  I refused to have another scan as I didn't want to see my two babies again. It was too upsetting. 

I sat with the nurse and made plans to come back the next Monday for the procedure. I was less than 9 weeks at this point so I opted for a medical termination. In a nutshell, its two pills which make the pregnancy detach from the lining of the womb and come away.

My mum knew and my partner knew. Mum said I had to be realistic and do what was necessary. Ben never said anything. He drove me there for the consultation and waited in the car. I had blood tests and had a doctor ask me if I wanted to donate the babies to research or have them buried in the hospital burial ground in the woods. 

I felt like it was really insensitive to ask me at this point. Although it was probably necessary to ask i was shocked. I opted for research. I hoped it could help someone somehow instead of rotting away in the woods.  

I felt relieved that I had made a decision after weeks of feeling unsure. 

Monday came... my mum looked after my children and Ben drove me to the hospital.

The first part was one pill to be taken and to then return on Wednesday for the second pill. The second day requires you to stay in hospital for the day to monitor you and see that the pregnancy comes away.

Still Ben was quiet. 

I was early, the hospital was quiet and in I went.  The room was right next to the ultrasound dept. I wandered along the corridor looking at all the baby pictures on the walls, all the advice posters for mums to be and dithered around the doorway before finally going in.

The nurse was kind, I was the only patient there. Into a small room I was beckoned and asked... ' are you sure this is for you?, I have to ask as part of my job to ensure I'm comfortable that you are making the decision you want'.

Yes I said, I started to unnecessarily explain my situation and I burst into tears.

I text Ben and said 'are you sure I'm doing the right thing?

Why hadn't Ben gave me his opinion, why didn't he tell me not to do it and that we can manage. He never replied... I had text his old phone.

I stopped crying and put my hand out for the pill. I need to do this, it's the right thing for me and my family i told myself.

Then I got a message from Ben from his new phone number. ' are you sure this is what you want?' He asked. 

I asked the nurse if I could use the toilet and gave her back the pill. I rang Ben crying and said a mumble jumble of things. He was calm and said 'do what you need to do'.

I went back to the nurse and she said, you don't seem to be sure so I don't think you should continue. I cried again and said I'm not sure. She said I could come back later or tomorrow if I wanted.  

So I walked out...

Ben was at the car waiting and I just cried and he hugged me and said 'did you do it?'

'No, I couldn't do it' I told him through tears and more mumble jumble.

I knew you wanted these babies, we can manage, we will be fine. What's two more he said.

That's all I needed to hear all along.

There's was never a question about me wanting these babies, of course I wanted them. My head was just trying to be realistic and I had talked myself into believing I couldn't manage another two.

Today I am 18 weeks pregnant and as excited as ever. I'm 100% sure I made the right choice, I know i will be fine and so 2017 is the year that I become Mum of 7. I can't wait.

I told my mum I couldn't go through with it and she said 'oh I am pleased really, can you believe it's twins again?'

Mum, I wish you had said this sooner.

Although I had wanted to hear from my mum and Ben that 7 kids is fine to have, I feel as though I had to go through all that and to make that decision for myself.  I chose to keep my babies because I want them.

I haven't told many people that I know, but I created an instagram page @twinsagainuk, so I could share my joy and meet other like minded mums. Wow, there are so many. 

I really don't know what all the fuss was about... 7 children, piece of cake!