Bad Mum 2B

Bad Mum 2B

Sunday, 26 February 2017

The Darker Side of Pregnancy

When you think of pregnancy, what do you think of? A glowing woman, rubbing her belly and radiating maternal warmth? I guess to an extent, I did too. Until my second pregnancy when I experienced first-hand the darker side of pregnancy. It isn’t the norm to discuss, how actually you are not enjoying a pregnancy. 

Of course, I am grateful and amazed that I have been able to conceive and grow two babies. This is a luxury not all women are able to do.  My first son took us 10 months to conceive and other than some backache I had a wonderful pregnancy. No problems, barely any sickness and I carried him until he arrived 11 days early at 38+3 weeks’ gestation. 3 years on, we decide to add to our family of three. I fell pregnant very quickly within two months and was excited to start my second pregnancy journey. Little did I know how quickly my excitement would vanish.

I always knew there would be risks of getting pregnant after my first son. Elijah was born with a congenital heart defect that required surgery. I knew beforehand after speaking to professionals that I would be deemed as high risk and be monitored closely. Was I selfish in becoming pregnant again if there was a risk of having another baby with CHD? Perhaps, but isn’t there a risk to everything we do? I thought my pregnancy would turn out as it did with Elijah, with a few more appointments. I was excited to be showered with back rubs, cake and Elijah bonding with my ever growing bump excited to meet his brother or sister. I didn’t think I would struggle physically and mentally as I have in just a few short months.

The excitement you feel when you get those two lines on a stick, the overwhelming glee that you want to yell from the roof tops, or to every person you pass in the street is something that you do not experience many times in your life. Then something else creeps in quickly, and takes over. No matter how many times you have done this before, the anxiety. The sheer worry of being responsible for carrying and growing a healthy baby to term, with no complications and yet having no control over what will happen or is happening inside you is terrifying. Potentially, the most scared I have ever been being pregnant and I have thought something may be wrong. This does intensify after you had a baby where something did go wrong. When you tell others, you may be trying for a baby there is no warning of the impending dread and horrendous questions that will begin to pop into your head (normally late at night) that you begin to Google and frankly scare yourself even more. Probably, as the human population may take a nose dive, but I do think it is something that does need to be spoken about. It isn’t all baby showers and cupcakes.

Then you enter the worrisome 12 weeks, the first trimester. Where you are told again and again this is the most likely time something will go wrong. You have those 12 weeks in your head as a target, but you still don’t breathe a sigh of relief when you reach them. It carries on to the next trimester, and the next. Second time round, I have tried to be more conformable with certain things, and have tried not to be hung up on too much. Do I still think the worse? Yes. Do I still, Google everything and anything that is slightly different or mass text all my Mum friends? I would like to apologise to them all for the horrendous brown discharge Whats App conversation. 

But then something happened, that I wasn’t expecting….. every single thing about my pregnancy was the opposite of my first and I ended up more of an anxious mess than the first!

Being a high-risk pregnancy does come with its own worries. I was convinced the baby would have something wrong with it. I tear myself up every time we have a hospital appointment or scan. I was told I couldn’t have the birth I wanted. Deep down even though everything seems well, and we are nearing the 5 month mark I still think history may repeat itself. No one talks a lot about mental illness during pregnancy. Post Partem depression information is given to you before you give birth, and in the weeks that follow but what about in the here and now? 

I came off my anti- depressants a good couple of months before we conceived and after kicking my PTSD in the arse I was the healthiest I had been in years. But slowly and surely, some reoccurring feelings and anxieties have crept it this is something I did not experience with my first pregnancy. It was all new, decorating the nursery and impending excitement about our first child. Anxiety, depression all coupled with more hormones than a Sex And The City sequel make for a rollercoaster of a ride. The whole 9 months aren’t all fun and games and sometimes we will face some of the lowest times of our lives. There have been times in this pregnancy that although I have been hesitant to admit, I am not enjoying it. It is probably not socially acceptable to put it out there, and I may seem ungrateful or inconsiderate but I believe it is something that should be spoken about, so those who may feel the same do not suffer in silence.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was feeling so ill. I was sick, and when I wasn’t being sick in a bush, kitchen sink or toilet at 10pm at night I felt sick the rest of the time. I didn’t want anything to eat, but not eating made it worse. Everything made me gag, which ultimately would then lead to me being sick. I slowly began to stomach plain Pringles and Diet Pepsi. Going on a bus, car or even walking would make me gag! I didn’t eat an actual meal for nearly two months. I was slightly worried the baby may come out with a bottle of Pepsi in their hands. Then I was tired, so tired I was falling asleep three times a day tired. 

Elijah knew something was up, and left me to it and entertained himself, (cue mum guilt).  I began to show early on, we found out a little further down the line this was due to the stomach muscles never really going together after Elijah. This caused a deviation of my stomach which made my bump protrude out more. This also put a lot of pressure on my back, which I have to now have physio on. These I know are such small problems, and thankfully non-life threatening ones too. I should be thankful, and I am but at times these are the small problems that occur on a day to day basis that can grind you down. Of course, I would rather be going through these, than the baby being ill. My lowest point was at Christmas, not being able to eat any of my dinner, being so tired I couldn’t play with Elijah and throwing up for days. I struggled, and I have to say I did feel very dark then especially knowing I was nowhere near the end of this pregnancy. It is also hard to see that Elijah at times has had to take a back seat. I am stupidly lucky for the fact I have a kind and thoughtful little boy who understands if I feel sick or need a rest. I think being a soon to be mother of two this is just something else to add to the pile, EXTREME MUM GUILT.

It should be a time you relish, and I do most of the time. I love waking up I the night amongst my 10 pillows (no exaggeration) and feeling the baby kick. I have an immense sense of pride when I see them on a scan and proudly how off my bump and scan pictures.

However, I do believe this pregnancy will likely be my last. When we planned to get pregnant again I did not think that I would struggle. The thing is that I know it could be so much worse, and a lot of ladies do have such a harder time. I cannot always dwell or process how I am really feeling with a small tear away two year old, which may be a good thing in a way. In terms of a customer reviews; first pregnancy, 5 stars, loved, it would recommend it to anyone. Second pregnancy, more of a 3.5 and not sure I would go back! It has been more of a love it or hate it relationship. You know like Marmite. It has been hard physically and mentally and I am so excited to welcome the new addition to our family, I really am. This time round however, it really has been the darker side of pregnancy. It just goes to show how different you can feel second time round.


Tuesday, 21 February 2017

Mum 2B again!

Hello and welcome to Bad Mum 2B! 

This new addition to Bad Mum is for Mum's 2B, women trying to conceive, women having troubles with pregnancy, women having their 10th baby or women just wanting real and honest advice on what you can expect coming up with all the bits they don't tell you when you are pregnant! 

Our first post is from Kylie and how she is going to become a Mother of SEVEN babies!! Makes me want to lay down just thinking about it! 

This post nearly made me cry. It is so honest, real and thank you for sharing this with everyone. 


June 2017 is to be the year that I become a mum again. A mum of 7. 
Who plans to have that many kids?... not me. After my first two I never dreamed I'd have any more, didn't want to have anymore. 

So I have just turned 30 and I like to think I'm a young 30. I certainly do not feel as old as I am. 

My tribe consists of my 8 year old boy Charlie and girl Robyn who is 6 going on 16, honestly (dreading her actual teenage years). My first two babies were form a previous relationship. Their dad and I have a great friendship and it works for us. 

4 years after Robyn I had another girl, Lila-Rose age 2 with my partner Ben. We then went on to have boy/girl twins 17 months later and have the oh so sweet Brandon and Hallie who are now 10months old. 

We were all squished in a 2 bed flat and desperately needed to move. September just gone, we did, we moved to a 4 bed house. How lovely it is to have all that space for the children..and a garden. 

Not long after moving I felt very faint and very sick for a moment and knew I was pregnant.  I did a test and cried at the result.  I was already mum to 5 and had a Jam packed life of washing and cleaning and keeping everyone.  How could I have more children?

My head told me not to continue with the pregnancy, the twins would be 1 in April and the new baby would be due in June. It's madness, right?

I didn't think too much, I knew what I had to do. I went straight to the gp and asked for a referral for a termination. (Great first appt with a new doc, in a new town. I felt ashamed)

So the referral came through, the appointment was made and I went for the consultation. I was thinking a thousand thoughts, what if it's twins again, what if the baby's healthy, what if, what if????
At the consultation you have to have an ultrasound scan to determine how many weeks pregnant you are so the best type of medical advice can be given regarding the type of termination you should have.

I was nervous, it was a man carrying out the scan which is quite uncommon to be fair. He was great though did what he had to. That being a transnvaginal scan. 

Oh a day for firsts, I'd never had  a man scan me, never had a transvaginal scan either. Lovely.

As soon  as he was looking at the screen my partner Ben and I looked at one another and then said to the man it's twins isn't it?
Yes he said, and you appear to be approx 5 weeks pregnant. Would you like to see he asked?(Bearing in mind the reason I'm there, I found it all really uncomfortable). Yes we said, and there we saw two blobs on the screen, two more babies growing inside me.

We were asked to sit in the waiting room to wait for the paperwork. There we sat, brains working overtime, mums to be all around swooning over their pregnancy joy. Me in tears... what do I do?
Ben was pretty quiet throughout the whole saga since finding out we were expecting again. Then he said, I think we need a bigger car. I laughed and said more like an a-Team van. We passed the time looking at some large vehicles on the Internet and giggling away. How funny to have that many children, us of all people.

We got the paperwork and returned to the clinic desk. I handed it to the lady and said do I need to stay for the chat with the nurse as I'm pretty sure I've changed my mind and will continue with the pregnancy. I didn't, so we left and off we went home.

A couple weeks passed and not much was said about it all, it was too early to tell people and we were still unpacking in our new home and my 30th and Christmas were fast approaching. So much other stuff to think about.

In my own mind I couldn't get my head around how I would cope. I never sat down as it was, always on the go. We were in a good routine with the children but I couldn't see where I would fit in any more children.

I was having awful sickness and my head got the better of me. I told my mum and she said 'oh Kylie, it will be too much'. 'I can't believe it's twins again though'.

Really helpful mother, thanks a bunch. I didn't talk to anyone else I decided alone that I had to be realistic and 7 was too many. I still had my referral papers so I went back to the hospital clinic and had the consultation.  I refused to have another scan as I didn't want to see my two babies again. It was too upsetting. 

I sat with the nurse and made plans to come back the next Monday for the procedure. I was less than 9 weeks at this point so I opted for a medical termination. In a nutshell, its two pills which make the pregnancy detach from the lining of the womb and come away.

My mum knew and my partner knew. Mum said I had to be realistic and do what was necessary. Ben never said anything. He drove me there for the consultation and waited in the car. I had blood tests and had a doctor ask me if I wanted to donate the babies to research or have them buried in the hospital burial ground in the woods. 
I felt like it was really insensitive to ask me at this point. Although it was probably necessary to ask i was shocked. I opted for research. I hoped it could help someone somehow instead of rotting away in the woods.  

I felt relieved that I had made a decision after weeks of feeling unsure. 
Monday came... my mum looked after my children and Ben drove me to the hospital.
The first part was one pill to be taken and to then return on Wednesday for the second pill. The second day requires you to stay in hospital for the day to monitor you and see that the pregnancy comes away.

Still Ben was quiet. 

I was early, the hospital was quiet and in I went.  The room was right next to the ultrasound dept. I wandered along the corridor looking at all the baby pictures on the walls, all the advice posters for mums to be and dithered around the doorway before finally going in.

The nurse was kind, I was the only patient there. Into a small room I was beckoned and asked... ' are you sure this is for you?, I have to ask as part of my job to ensure I'm comfortable that you are making the decision you want'.
Yes I said, I started to unnecessarily explain my situation and I burst into tears.
I text Ben and said 'are you sure I'm doing the right thing?
Why hadn't Ben gave me his opinion, why didn't he tell me not to do it and that we can manage. He never replied... I had text his old phone.
I stopped crying and put my hand out for the pill. I need to do this, it's the right thing for me and my family i told myself.

Then I got a message from Ben from his new phone number. ' are you sure this is what you want?' He asked. 
I asked the nurse if I could use the toilet and gave her back the pill. I rang Ben crying and said a mumble jumble of things. He was calm and said 'do what you need to do'.

I went back to the nurse and she said, you don't seem to be sure so I don't think you should continue. I cried again and said I'm not sure. She said I could come back later or tomorrow if I wanted.  
So I walked out...

Ben was at the car waiting and I just cried and he hugged me and said 'did you do it?'
'No, I couldn't do it' I told him through tears and more mumble jumble.

I knew you wanted these babies, we can manage, we will be fine. What's two more he said.
That's all I needed to hear all along.

There's was never a question about me wanting these babies, of course I wanted them. My head was just trying to be realistic and I had talked myself into believing I couldn't manage another two.

Today I am 18 weeks pregnant and as excited as ever. I'm 100% sure I made the right choice, I know i will be fine and so 2017 is the year that I become Mum of 7. I can't wait.

I told my mum I couldn't go through with it and she said 'oh I am pleased really, can you believe it's twins again?'
Mum, I wish you had said this sooner.

Although I had wanted to hear from my mum and Ben that 7 kids is fine to have, I feel as though I had to go through all that and to make that decision for myself.  I chose to keep my babies because I want them.

I haven't told many people that I know, but I created an instagram page @twinsagainuk, so I could share my joy and meet other like minded mums. Wow, there are so many. 

I really don't know what all the fuss was about... 7 children, piece of cake!

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