Bad Mum 2B

Bad Mum 2B

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Before I knew what, my life was missing

I wish I could put into words what being a parent means; there are a thousand other bloggers out there every day trying to capture the essence of being a mummy or daddy. You only have to look at the million variations on insta names; mum/dad of boys/girls/daughters/sons, mums of 1,2 7, 8, twins, to get an idea of all the parents out there winging it, bossing it, drowning in it, being overwhelmed and underwhelmed. 

I don't think I have ever been so knocked for six as when my first son Ted was born. I had a good pregnancy, barring SPD which was bad but bearable, an absolutely horrific labour and delivery and an even worse recovery. The tears were endless, when Ted was a few weeks old I said to
My husband what on earth have we done, we've ruined our lives. I don't want to say I had postnatal depression because having listened to and reading other people's accounts of suffering from I don't believe I did. I believe I was absolutely knocked off my feet with the enormity this baby's arrival and the realisation that life would never being the same again. (Also, my lady parts were in absolute agony, my nipples were two scabs and I couldn't sit down).

But I did question whether my life had been ruined. I always said from a young age I didn't want children, I'm not entirely sure why. When I was 12 my older brother had his first child then went on to have 5 in 5 years and my other brother had 2, I spent most of my teenage years surrounded by babies and toddlers, I think this is what prompted me to start saying I didn't want kids and I just kept on saying it.

Of course, I hadn’t ruined my life and things with Ted settled, I fell in love with him and being a mum, so much so I was pregnant again by the time he was 15 weeks old. It was like a switch had flipped and I went from an absolutely overwhelming fear and desperation to an overwhelming being so happy I might burst. Looking back these extremes of emotions probably tied in with getting more sleep, however I have never experienced such a roller coaster and such overwhelming emotions since becoming a parent.

Looking back before the children, I spouted to everyone we had a great life without kids and on paper we did. Great holidays, nice cars, nights out, weekends away. But I can see now the shine of that had begun to wear off. Our nights out were getting drunker and drunker, getting drunk was more frequent, as if we were always chasing that good time. Looking back now I recognise that I was actually a bit unhappy, I don't think I knew it then but now I thank my lucky stars I fell pregnant when I did because I'm glad I didn't go further down that road. 

It is exhausting being a parent, for me the hardest is the wild swinging from extremes, you can go from morning tears because no one will get dressed, you can't get a shower and it's taken you two hours to get downstairs, tears because your 10 month old has head butted you in the face, tears because you feel you can't possibly go on, to night time tears because you love your children so much you might die. It is an absolute physical and mental rollercoaster.  But with the lows come the soaring highs when you are absolutely delighted by your children and can’t believe they are yours.

It’s not easy becoming a parent and takes people different lengths of time finding their own ways of dealing with the realities of parenthood. Nights out are nice, going out and getting smashed used to be my fave but it isn't the answer or it certainly wasn't for me. Gaining the title of mummy and being responsible for these two little boys, has given me all the answers I didn't know I was looking for.

And now I wait nervously for baby number 3 to join the crew in 20 weeks time.  I feel all those old feelings that I had with Ted bubbling away under the surface, the fear of the unknown, what will this baby be like? How will I manage? Will I be able to look after it? Will it upset our happy family? Don’t even get me started on the will it be a boy or a girl debate.

But any fears are outweighed by a huge sense of excitement to meet this new baby who, like its brothers before will never know how much happiness it will bring to us. Thank you to our bambinos for showing us what life is really about and for showing us what we didn’t know we were missing.

Written by @threeunder_3

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